Grease fries and mustard. This is why I love hamburgers. Of course, the immediate question is: What are grease fries?

The better question is, “Good gravy, where can I get some grease fries? Those sound like decadence factorial. Decadence!”

Regardless, I think this necessitates a personal anecdote. Near the house I grew up, there’s a burger joint called Lion’s Tap. It’s pretty good. The burger I eat there is a double hamburger with a slice of raw onion in between the patties and mustard on the bun so the pickle slices adhere. The real key is to eat the burger over the fries, so that the grease drips down and smothers the spuds in hot beef flavor oils. This is pretty much a guaranteed way to self-induce a coma.

In hopes of finding the end-all-be-all of burgers and finally being able to declare a place of preferred patronage I searched this city, spoke with some fellow students and ultimately decided for myself where I might be able to find the best burger in Madison.

Cutting out the riff-raff was the hardest part. In fact, the inspiration for this challenge of chuck was a sign I pass by at least four times a week. The Church Key Pub and Grill’s signage right on University Avenue touts the “Best Burger in Town,” which just strikes me as a dirty, flagrant abuse of advertising. The idea of eating a burger at the Church Key is worse than consuming the aftermath of that time I tried to make beer-battered onion rings in a saucepan. Barf City.

Gastronomical Leaps adheres to the extensive and unbiased criteria set by the monolith of meals, the Food Arbitration Commission (chaired by a shadowy, unnamed conglomeration), and includes quality of ingredients, overall composition, an overall grease-density quotient and, of course, tastiness. My own evaluations of ambience and service, as well as value are included.

A quick tour of State Street brings immediate attention to Five Guys, a successful newbie on the scene that seems to have captured a decent-sized dinner crowd. Closing at 10 p.m. most nights is not by any means a recipe for success in Madison, so a deserved anti-shout out goes to the management for cutting off the bar time zombie hordes. The quick burger joint does its job, but it comes up a little short. The fast food nature of Five Guys sacrifices quality for quantity, but paying seven dollars to be full isn’t half bad. They also get an honorable mention for their Cajun fries — which should only be eaten with crack sauce (it’s not on the menu, but ask for it anyway). The cheeseburger looked nice, but the wrapping compressed the burger and squeezed grease out onto the bun and cold ingredients. It definitely hit the spot well, but sat in the stomach pretty heavily. The large portion of fries doled out by the staff adds to already high grease-to-volume ration, and also to the food-coma effect.

The Nitty Gritty is renowned for its birthday specials, the “World’s Smallest Chocolate Sundae” and a purportedly decent array of burgers. The problem visible immediately upon sitting down is the schedule of burger specials posted on every booth. There’s a different burger nearly every day! With so many variations, is a consistently good burger expected? I ordered their classic, the Gritty Burger, which is pretty much a regular cheeseburger with something called “Gritty Sauce.” Well, the mysterious and intriguing elements of the meal are not skipped but easily missed.

The Gritty Burger is gross. The Gritty Burger is gross like the kid who eats mustard packets for lunch and has a faint yellow stain around his mouth. They both might mean well, but there’s something just a little off. The meat and bun were smothered in something like tapioca southwestern style mayonnaise; the lettuce, onion and tomato accessories were soggy, and the bun did not last long either. This place is recommendable for a birthday celebration only because they serve the perfect, tasteless grease balls for drunks.

After hearing many good things about the award-winning Plazaburger, I decided to check it out for myself. I ordered at the bar and grabbed a seat. There’s a decent selection on tap, but the Thursday night specials can be a real draw. Like the Nitty Gritty, the Plazaburger is served with a secret sauce. The sauce looks more like ranch, and the burger smells of meat and onions instead of an overpowering saucy smell. The patty was cooked to a nice medium, and the sauce was actually tasty and used relatively sparingly. There wasn’t much effort in the way of presentation, but this burger raises the standard on bar food. The next time you find yourself at the Plaza, I’d recommend ordering it. This burger will save a trip to the hot dog place next door and a wait in line for re-entry.

Dotty Dumpling’s Dowry has a decent reputation for good burgers and excellent ambience. I had high expectations even on my first visit. Stepping into the place means immediate separation from the noise of North Frances Street. This creates a more private atmosphere, which is necessary when the Ian’s Pizza bouncer is noisily regulating fools for being fools. The dimmed restaurant has a pub feel to it. Consequently their beer selection is quite good, but all these accoutrements definitely lead to a bigger check. I ordered the bacon cheeseburger; it looked well put together. The bun was not deformed at all, and it had that faint oily glisten that can only say, “Hey buddy, I’m a real fatty delicious sandwich and I see you checkin’ my sheen out. Go ahead and take a bite, please. I love you.”

Delicious. The whole-leaf lettuce makes for a big difference, not only in shielding grease (as opposed to shredded lettuce, which tends to absorb grease) but also in adding biting and chewing texture. That was an awesome burger, and the dining experience blows everyone else out of the water.

One of my underpaid middle school teachers once said to me that writing a good essay is like eating a great hamburger. You have this delicious middle that isn’t complete without the buns — the start and the finish. It’s true, too. A burger without a bun is like a Harold without a Kumar or a Milli without a Vanilli. From start to finish, Dotty Dumpling’s Dowry performed brilliantly. Kudos to them and the other honorable mention: Five Guys’ fries.

Alex Truong is a junior majoring in economics and history. E-mail him at[email protected] if you wish, as he likes cracking cr�me brul�e with a spoon in his spare time.