For the Midwest, there have been few food mysteries more elusive than the Sonic fast-food chain. Having run a sadistically tantalizing slew of television commercial advertisements on Wisconsin networks since 2004, many of them quite memorable for their campiness, Sonic has had us lamenting the lack of a franchise in closer proximity than Illinois or Iowa, where the nearest ones had been. Until now.

That’s right — as of Jan. 26, one of the first Sonics in Wisconsin opened its drive-in stalls to customers right here in Dane County. While the location is technically in Middleton, farther down University Avenue, the distance is not much of a deterrent since it makes little sense to go to Sonic, a 1950s styled drive-in joint, without taking a car anyway.

In fact, unlike some Sonics, the Middleton location does not offer any indoor seating or ordering, the closest alternative to the 20-plus car stalls being a small patio equipped with a menu board, ordering station and several scattered tables and chairs. While few people will be walking to Sonic in general, the arrangement is especially disagreeable in the bitter winter months.

Unless of course the food was especially worth the discomfort. This, however, is not the case. While one of Sonic’s current marketing slogans is “It’s not just good … it’s Sonic good,” one is left wondering what exactly “Sonic good” entails and if such a qualifier is even a positive thing.

I decided on a chicken club sandwich, tater tots and a strawberry limeade, electing what seemed to be the most representative of the Sonic promise, “Sonic’s got it … others don’t.” While that much is true — no other fast-food joints will readily throw tots and syrupy Sierra Mist at you — the mere distinction of uniqueness does not in itself make the food palatable.

Despite being out of bacon, which is pardonable given the restaurant’s hectic opening day — they actually closed more than an hour early because of it — the chicken club sandwich, peculiarly served on “Texas toast,” i.e., buttery bread, was exceptionally constructed, mimicking the menu picture relatively well. The taste, too, was surprisingly agreeable, for fast-food produce at least. However, around the halfway point, the initially crispy breaded chicken breast, no doubt processed to hell and containing more newspaper and raccoon than actually chicken, had been rendered as soggy as the pallid tomato by the mayonnaise and lettuce. A new meaning of fast-food … not only served to you fast, but also meant to be eaten fast before deteriorating.

Stealing a bite of my friend’s cheeseburger proved to be even less pleasant. The two flimsy meat patties, cheese and bread had essentially merged together, disallowing any ingredients to be distinguished, instead yielding just a mouthful of the generic and greasy, on-par with McDonald’s.

But the tots! You cannot possibly mess up tater tots, right? They are just … tots. Well, to get into semantics, mine more resembled tater mash or a sad burial site of fallen tots. Yet even the few that didn’t look like they had been hit by a bus tasted just the same as their fallen comrades, like any other tater tot you have ever eaten, but probably worse for you since they’re fried. And a word to the wise — avoid the cheese tots. I’m convinced the paltry amount of “cheese” they give you is actually a polymer compound of some sort.

Even the drinks, another of Sonic’s selling points, left something to be desired. They also left a vague burning feeling in our throats. The zillion-some combinations Sonic touts are mostly just Sierra Mist with an overbearing amount of saccharine, artificial tasting fruit syrup. Oh, and a lime wedge.

Yet there are (a few) good things to be said about Sonic. The variety of the menu is indeed refreshing — if not downright perplexing (bananas on their dollar menu and blue coconut ice-cream drinks). Also, the retro-feel of a drive-in joint is both nostalgic and quaint. The customer service was impressive and welcoming, and the plentitude of large windows allow for accountability of their professional service and the joint’s cleanliness.

With plans of building approximately 30 Sonics in Wisconsin during the next few years already in motion and several popping up in Illinois in the last year, it looks like Sonic is in the Midwest to stay.

Ultimately what kills the Sonic experience is the ridiculous cloud of hype that surrounds the restaurant’s image. After years of being frustrated to no end by Sonic commercials, people are bound to expect great things. Our dreams and hopes blind us to the fact that, after all, Sonic really is just another fast-food chain.

2 stars out of 5.