Yesterday, as I was sitting and basking in the glow of my own wondrous being, it came to me that there are very tangible reasons why I am so much better than everyone else. I am constantly asked how one can become as cool as I am. The answer is you can’t, and there are ten reasons why:

1) You suck. It’s not poetry, but it goes a long way to explain why I’m the coolest and you aren’t.

2) I’m the resident angry black man of The Badger Herald. Every paper should have one, and I’m it for this campus’ biggest newspaper. I know you are jealous because I am a strapping young black man from Minnesota, and you are some skinny white kid from Wisconsin.

3) I will say ridiculous things, which will cause one of two reactions. You will either laugh out loud, or be totally offended and laugh nervously. Either way you will laugh. I’m that cool.

4) One of the most hated men on campus is also one of my best friends. His name is Trip Dale (better known to you as Robert W. Dale IV). He’s also cool, which is why I hang out with him. He thinks you dress funny, and so do I. However, compared to him I’m a sweetheart.

5) I am willing and able to drink you under the table any day of the week. It’s a well-known fact that the cooler you are the more you can drink. Only cool people will revel in the fact that alcohol is an evil thing, but fun as hell. My friends and I have put liquor stores out of business, and we’ll do it again. If you don’t believe me give me a call, we’ll pit your abilities against mine.

6) I’m a prick and I don’t care. The difference between you and me is that I’ve got this column and you’re reading it. You may not want to read my column, but you’re mystified by my masterful use of the English language. You are also compelled to read on to find when (and if) this effrontery will end.

7) I know Anna Roberts, easily one of the coolest people alive. In fact, her desk is directly in front of mine. Do you know her? I doubt it. One more point for me.

8) Some people think I’m gay. Through my writings some people have gotten the impression that I am a homosexual. It amuses me that this is an issue, so I will remain ambiguous. Smaller minds can debate the point.

9) I frighten you. I am the anti-Madisonian. I’m not from this state, and I vote Republican. I might as well be the plague to the outspoken liberal establishment. Even my picture shows my sinister smile. If you think I can cause damage now, wait until I’m in the real world.

10) I’m right and you’re wrong.

Bonus reason:

11) My idol is Ronald Reagan. The 40th President of the United States is definitely the most swinging cat in the world. He is the definition of cool. If he’s your idol too, you can disregard everything else on the list.

So there it is. If you are wondering why I would write such outrageous things, you are not alone. It’s because I believe strongly in the idea of ego. It is man’s ultimate source of being. My point is correct even though I use an outlandish device to prove it.

If you don’t hold your personal beliefs and values as higher and more important than anyone else’s you give them tacit authority over your life. No one can tell you what is right or wrong unless you decide to accept his or her system of belief.

Through scholarship I may discover systems of thought with which I can agree, but to view them as superior would be a disservice to myself.

If eventually I accept another person’s (or group’s) values, it is because I am free to do so without coercion. Don’t misunderstand me—I am not saying I am the sole source of intelligence in this world. I am saying that I am supremely confident in my ability to reason, and objectively decide what is right and wrong for me.

By the way, if you were able to figure out that my list is a parody of my regular columns you deserve a pat on the back. What’s more, if you realize that a parody of one’s own work is the ultimate expression of ego, you are cool enough to hang out with me.

James Kent ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in economics and business management.