The life of a college student can be very stressful and hectic. You may not sleep enough, and you may have too many responsibilities and be low on money. Even more upsetting, you have to deal with people who have no common decency.

We are here to serve the purpose of defining proper etiquette in contemporary society. We hope that you enjoy our observations and that you don’t take us too seriously. We don’t wish to offend anyone — we just want to add a little humor to your life.

1. One shall not be a TA at an institution such as UW-Madison and answer undergrads’ questions with, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” when one is getting a doctorate in that subject.

2. One shall not look down the shirt of a female friend and then deny one’s perverse nature, when it is obvious that one is a pervert.

3. One shall not be a TA who is ten years older than his/ her students that hits on the students and gives them the “I’m undressing you look” when, frankly, it is not appropriate, professional or desired.

4. One shall not yell derogatory comments at UW athletes during games when one is clearly out of shape, has no athletic capabilities and can’t play sports even remotely as well as the athletes.

5. One shall not refer to one’s boyfriend/ girlfriend/ husband/ wife as a romantic partner, life partner or partner due to the fact that it implies awkward and uncomfortable ambiguity about their sexual orientation.

6. One shall not purchase a woman’s sweater for their heterosexual boyfriend, because that’s creepy.

7. One shall not pretend his cell phone is a dysfunctional megaphone when in a public place, especially the bus, and squeal loudly, “Oh my god!” or, “Like totally!”

8. One shall not buy a certain piece of clothing if it is not flattering. Just because it comes in one’s size does not mean that one should buy it.

9. One shall not drive after one has reached 65 years of age. Just because the government feels pity for one, one must not take advantage of the law and endanger the lives of others, especially in crowded areas such as W. Johnson St.

10. One shall not be delusional enough, upon becoming bald, to grow his hair long on one side and have the audacity to comb it over in a bird-nest-like manner such as Coach Keady of Purdue, the man with the worst comb-over of all time.

11. Couples shall not dress like twins.

12. Couples shall not assume that all their single friends are unhappily single and try to pair them up in a hideous manner.

13. One shall not constantly speak highly of his partner if the partner is clearly unengaging, unattractive, uninteresting and ill-mannered.

14. Professors shall not talk about how qualified, special, important and respected they are when they teach poorly.

15. One shall not be a “Freaky Creepy” by following the object of their desire around like a dog, enjoying porn a bit too much and wearing fur-trimmed boxers.

16. One shall not keep asking for the number of a member of the opposite sex, claiming it for someone else when they clearly would like to possess it for their own personal use.

17. One shall not be from Michigan State, aged 35, highly unattractive, have a beer belly and attempt to pick up UW-Madison students when Michigan State is obviously despised here and is our biggest athletic rival.

18. Professors shall be upfront with students if they plan on making their lives a living nightmare for the next five months.

19. One shall not utilize rolling book-bag suitcases on campus unless they plan on backpacking around the vast hills of campus. You were not cast in “The Sound of Music.”

20. Freshmen shall not pretend they are still in high school and behave obnoxiously and yell loudly. You are not the center of attention anymore. No matter how loud you talk, the 40,000 students on campus will not all hear you!

Vanessa Farsad & Sun Torke are both juniors and can be reached at [email protected] Farsad is majoring in psychology and pre-med, and Torke is majoring in psychology.