According to The Onion’s AV Club, he’s “never made a bad movie.”

Oh, wait. That was his brother.

The faculty senate took their sweet time booking Jerry Zucker as speaker for next weekend’s graduation ceremonies, but perhaps this procrastination was constructive. With such classics under his directing belt as Kentucky Fried Movie and Airplane, Jerry Zucker is sure to be a better graduation speaker than, say, a battery salesman.

The fact that UW took so long to name Zucker (Jerry, not David, who directed the Top Gun movies) the spring 2003 commencement speaker begs a few questions. 1)

What does it take to be graduation speaker? 2)

What is the purpose of a speaker? 3)

Does UW have the right idea?

1): The answer to the first question seems to be, “Not much.” Ostensibly, it takes a degree from UW and some degree of notoriety. But the notoriety is negotiable, judging by the slate of speakers over the past two years.

2): Let’s face it. We can all pretend that graduation speakers exist to amuse and educate the graduates walking in ceremony, but really, big names are a promotional tool. When Rice University gets President Bush to speak, the school gets headlines — dittos for John Hopkins and Condoleezza Rice or Smith College and Toni Morrison. Big names are powerful people and, to generalize, powerful people can captivate an audience not only with their proven speaking ability but also with their presence.

So 3): UW seems to have it all wrong, but what’s to get right when the state is limiting its biggest educational institution to the point at which the chancellor’s pencil supply is rationed? How can the faculty senate be expected to put forth enough effort to book a quality speaker?

Zucker, assuming he’s a decent orator, seems to be a shift in the trend. We applaud the effort, but put forth the challenge to next year’s class officers and faculty senate to award graduates with a speaker to be proud of. They also must understand the power of image.