I love trailers. Not the kind that attract swirling vortexes of Midwestern wind, but the kind that promote movies. I love their punchiness, their hilarious voiceovers, their standard tricks and the fact that you will see at least a) the best joke in the movie, or b) the biggest explosion in the movie or c) both.

This article will be the movie trailer version of Bush’s State of the Union address. I can’t even make fun of the title “State of the Union,” since that is the tagline to the new Triple X flick starring Ice Cube in the Vin Diesel role. If I’ve lost you with the pop-culture minutia, don’t worry, I’ll get back to politics shortly.

Green Band Trailer: This preview has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES. The forthcoming motion picture has been rated PG by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Black screen. A single white line starts to get drawn, with sparks flying off the leading edge like a laser is cutting through the screen. It tilts up and a softly pounding bass line starts.

“In a world where the average number of retirees will soon triple …”

The line is going up and up and up.

“Where investment decisions are best left in the hands of hard-working Americans …”

The bass is kicking heavier and the line shining brighter.

“One man can save our most precious years from poverty and ruin …”

The bass stops, the line hovers on the peak of a jagged mountain it’s drawn.

“Before we lose it all.”

The screen explodes, followed by quick cuts of President Bush in action, on the USS Abraham Lincoln in his flight suit, clapping the shoulders of young soldiers boarding C-130 transport planes and shaking the hands of elderly ladies at a luncheon in Boca Raton.

“One man has the vision to save Social Security from itself. One man has the political capital earned over four years of steady leadership and wise political maneuvering. One man has the cojones to take on the most popular social program in American history. And only one man is called Commander in Chief.”

It sounds like a record needle being pulled off the turntable in the middle of a party. Cue in C + C Music Factory “Gonna Make You Sweat” and show Bush wrestling with an umbrella in high winds, Bush playing football with little children on the South Lawn of the White House and Bush dancing with Jenna at his inauguration.

“He has a mandate given to him by the American people to revolutionize the way we look at retirement. He believes that the time is now to spend his political capital before the realities of a second term presidency come home to roost.”

C + C Music Factory stops, Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman” comes in. Slow motion shots of Bush waving into the distance while a slightly frozen looking Laura Bush in a lime green Lane Bryant power suit clutches his waist.

“With the love of a strong, faithful woman to support him in these dark times, the man the rest of the world must call Mr. President will perform his most difficult task …”

Sound of a record scratching again, the music stops.

“… reading from a teleprompter for over HALF AN HOUR.”

Cue in soaring Nickleback, Staind or Puddle of Mudd nu-metal balladry (they’re all equally, horribly interchangeable). Bush standing at the podium from his previous State of the Union speech.

“He wants to privatize … ahem … ‘personalize’” your retirement, invade Iran (but not if he can help it), permanently gut the government’s ability to raise revenue and do it all in a year because that’s all he’ll have before Congress runs for re-election and abandons his politically unpopular agenda.”

Metal song stops and “Let the Eagles Soar” being sung by John Ashcroft emanates from the speakers. A close-up of Bush’s lips as he speaks and points his fingers.

“These lips are not the lips of the father. They are the lips of an honest, upstanding man you elected, you chose and you love dearly. They would never, ever lie to you.”

Music stops … close up on Bush’s eyes as they turn slowly towards the camera and then crinkle up in the corners.

“President Bush is going to blow you away … tonight … while you’d rather be watching just about anything else.”

Screen explodes again replaced by SOTU ‘05 in silver letters. Then that explodes as well.

So, that would be an interesting way of selling the president’s program.

Given how unpopular revamping Social Security is, how unpopular the war still is and how unpopular President Bush is (he’s back to approval levels of those he had before 9/11), he just might need the help.

Rob Deters ([email protected]) is a third year law student.