On other parts of this page, you will find two supposedly reasonable analyses of the ice situation in Madison. Apparently said ice has been getting to some people, and they are subverting this otherwise respectable publication for their own insidious uses.

The big-government troglodyte, Jack Craver, argues more is needed from every type of government, students and university administrators. Although he managed to suppress his latent communist (and anti-American) tendencies in his most recent article, he is undoubtedly on his hands and knees at this very moment, praying the United Nations or some equally Euro-centric goon squad will come to his aid as well. Joseph McCarthy, bless his soul, would be rolling in his grave.

On the other hand, believers in the dignity of this paper are confronted with the repulsive Tom Schalmo, the godless heathen who insists to the point of embarrassment that he is in charge of this paper. Schalmo, no doubt currently wallowing in some hedonistic orgy dedicated to Satan, insists that the “weather” is to blame. Schalmo says it isn’t anybody’s fault — we should just lay down in the figurative traffic and accept the inevitable.

Lies, my brothers.

The true culprit of our Siberian debacle isn’t ASM or the university. It isn’t the “weather,” and it isn’t meteorology.

It’s you.

Rather, it’s God. The man upstairs. The spirit in the sky. Morgan Freeman.

However you define him, God isn’t very happy with us, and he’s finally decided to take definitive steps to displaying some Grapes o’ Wrath-age. Why? Because he has become tired of putting up with our, or rather your, ingratitude. What Madison really needs to escape its winter hinterland is some old-fashioned theology — a conscious commitment to the values upon which this country was founded. As Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Boxing Day (an exclusively Canadian treat!) approach with every passing moment, all that Madisonians need to do if they wish to transform their city into a sultry, tropical paradise is bend their knees and beg for the forgiveness they don’t deserve.

But time is of the essence: Besides New York and San Francisco, Madison is easily the most godless city in the country. And it is with great sadness that I tell you, my friends, that nowhere is such heathenism more rampant than within this very paper. That’s right. Just look at the vitriol being spilled by the other men on this page. One, so typically, says government is the solution to all our problems. Obviously “Mr.” Craver has never been acquainted with the great Ronald Reagan.

The links grow more suspicious as one looks deeper into the dark pasts of these individuals. Perhaps the only unifying connection between the two of them is that neither attends any kind of church on a regular basis. But the almost overwhelming evidence of the Devil’s handiwork doesn’t end there — Craver, for example, lived in France for three years.

But what about the most pervasive culprits for Madison’s crisis: the students of this university? What steps can they take to make their city free of snow and ice?

For starters, they need to stop studying. Not only does such egregious skullduggery detract from their prostration at the feet of a very irate higher power, but, as Jerry Falwell once wisely noted: “Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

So if ice is really such a problem in this city, let’s do something about it together. Let us join hands — and beg for mercy.

Sam Clegg ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in economics.