I wish you would step back from that 27th beer, my friend. You could cut ties with all the financial assistance your family’s been sending in. And if you do not want to see beyond a jail cell this weekend, we would understand. We would understand.

But please, don’t do it.

Halloween is looming over campus like a hungry vampire — or a riot squad officer — and it goes without saying that we want everyone to enjoy themselves. Dress up. Go out. Eat candy, if that’s your thing. Debate which of your friends has seen “Hocus Pocus” on the Disney Channel more. And most importantly, see Freakfest’s headlining act. But if you’re the first to fight, if you’re way too loud, if you’re the flash of light on a burial shroud? We know something’s wrong.

And we want you to stay far away from the parties and State Street. (Just kidding)

For the last few years, campus has been living a fully charmed kind of life when it comes to Halloween. Amid the years of escalating violence and disorder, the city could’ve easily come in and shut down the celebration cold. But they wanted something else to get themselves through this, so they created Freakfest. And while no one enjoys paying money to slug up and down State Street and the whole event can sometimes be unnervingly corporate, it’s better than having to say goodbye to one of the university’s greatest recruiting tools.

…Not that we’d be listening if they said goodbye (goodbye-aye-aye).

So, in the name of solidarity, fun and not having to check “yes” on that “Have you ever been charged with a crime?” box on your next application, let’s keep ourselves in line. That means no throwing up on the sidewalk, no attempts at “discreet” public urination and minimal amounts of bacon jokes directed at law enforcement. If anything goes wrong, we get blamed, and as much as we know it’s those idiots from Minnesota and Illinois trying to start trouble, the public won’t see it that way. It’s as if their two eyes are blind. Perhaps they could use a third.

As you get ready to leave Friday and Saturday night dressed as zombie Michael Jackson or a slutty (insert occupation here), keep in mind that while Halloween is a mischievous night by nature, there’s a big difference between tossing toilet paper and throwing tear gas. That era is over, and everybody knows the city had a reason to say:

Put the past away.