H 18°, L 6° | Tomorrow: Let's face it: America just doesn't do soccer.
We just don't get it. The rest of world declares public holidays to watch matches and riots in the streets follow games for any number of reasons (wins, losses, poor refereeing, idiocy), but we here in the US of A are far more concerned with Big Ben's face.
And, yes, I do mean the quarterback, though I suppose you could parallel America's interest in what the rest of the world calls football to our collective interest in London's most notable landmark.
Our ambivalence to the world's most popular sport is probably best summed up by the fact that we decided to be the only blokes to refer to it as soccer and then name our favorite sport football. Why we did that is anybody's guess. Maybe we wanted to rebel. Maybe we wanted to fit in — "Hey, everybody else loves football. Now, so do we!" Who knows?
But, without question, we are about as successful as Tom is at catching Jerry when it comes to soccer.
After watching the World Cup, I'd like to think there is one more reason why. We aren't weenies.
Sadly — no, tragically — what will stick with me most from this World Cup is how the rest of the world plays soccer like our first-graders do. Falling all over the place, writhing in pain and crying for their mommies whenever another player so much as looks at the ball.
The worst is how half of them get carried off the field in a stretcher and come bouncing off the field inside of a minute — with no shame.
This is why we Americans are so bad at soccer.
If we want to compete with the rest of the world, what we should do is comprise a team solely of WWE professional wrestlers. Dennis Rodman can join the team, too. Oh, and so can Vlade Divac and Manu Ginobili if they are eligible.
Then we would be better equipped to play the game the way it was meant to be played, which means if you are going to get burned, fall down and act like the opposing player just knifed you.
It means making like the Hindenburg every time you have the ball stripped from you, and it means having to kick the ball out of bounds and allow the other team to set up and get back into position every time an opposing player goes down with a torn ACL — oops, wait a minute, it's just one of those 20-second cramps.
However, we in the U.S. have it all wrong. We have our best player dragged off the field for stitches after having an elbow open a geyser above his eyebrow, and then return to the pitch faster than most of the sallies being stretched off of it.
That is the American spirit. We like to be tough, rugged and generally just intimidating. And while that is the more honorable, respectable and reasonable way to play the game, it isn't going to net you many free kicks and penalty shots, or stop half as many soccer fast breaks (what do you call a fast break in soccer?).
No, what it leaves you with is four shots on goal, one measly point out of a possible nine and a first class ticket back to the States and humiliation.
I'm not exactly proud of the Team USA's performance. I mean, Landon Donovan was terrible and should not play internationally again, while Claudio Reyna showed his age and the team in general was very uninspiring, with the exception of Bryan McBride and Clint Dempsey.
But I am proud that Team USA didn't drop down to the level of our opponents and play like — cue the Governator — girlie men.
At the very least it gives some insight as to why our football hasn't taken the rest of the planet by storm just yet.
Could you imagine Patrick Surtain or Deion Sanders curling up in the fetal position in an attempt to draw a penalty every time they are burned on a deep route? Or how obnoxious it would be to have an entire offensive line fall to the ground feigning eye-pokes whenever Jason Taylor closed in for a sack?
It would be unmanly, unflattering and unabashedly shameful — just un-American, at least in the athletic, sporting sense.
Personally, I would be just fine being the Kansas City Royals of the soccer world, so long as our boys didn't resort to such tactics. Unless we really do let the Hulkster and the Macho Man play for us, because that would just be hilarious.
IP hash: 8b906d9f
What about King Kong Bundy? He’d be great! George ‘The Animal’ Steele too!
IP hash: b8a8dddb
As a 4 year soccer player in high school (and co-captain and conference champion my senior year) and intramural player of the sport here in Madison, I will be the first to admit that I hate the constant diving and charades in the International Futball world. Still, just because I played in high school and recreationally here in college does NOT make me an expert by any means. But allow me to throw my 2 cents into the mix.
I have heard these arguments many times before about soccer: the players dive too much, there isn’t enough scoring, the referee has too much power, offsides doesn’t make sense and takes all the excitement out of the game, etc. Yes, there ARE things wrong with the game. But that’s true of ANY sport, even our coveted “manly” and “superior” American-invented ones. Honestly, does anyone actually KNOW what holding is in football? Referees can make up that call any which way. Or how many times have you watched a NBA or College Basketball make an insanely stupid foul call when the other player didn’t even touch him? What about balks in baseball? Fan interference? The strike zone?
On another note, the US National Team is NOT unsuccessful in International Soccer. To wit:
1950: US wins 1-0 over inventor of the game and HEAVY favorite England in what has been called the biggest upset in International soccer. Think USA hockey vs. USSR, except some 30 years earlier and without the political overtones. 1990-2006: The US has made 5 straight FIFA World Cups. That’s a pretty good streak, considering it tops powerhouse squads like England, Netherlands, etc. 1991: The US Women’s National team wins the first ever Women’s World Championship. 1994: The US hosts the World Cup and sets records for attendance that have yet to be bested. 3.5 million people attended — that shattered the previous record by more than 1 million. The team makes the round of 16 and loses to eventual champion Brazil by a single goal. 1996: The Women’s National team wins a gold medal at the summer olympics. 1998: Ok, lets just forget about this World Cup. Gotta love placing in last and losing to Iraq. 1999: The Women’s National Team wins the Women’s World Cup. Get ‘em Brandy Chastain’s bra. 2000: USA soccer places both teams in the semifinals of the Olympics. The men place 4th. 2002: The US advances to the quarterfinals of the World Cup, stunning EVERYONE with wins over Portugal and Mexico. We lose to Germany in the semis on THE WORST CALL MADE IN THE HISTORY OF SOCCER. Watch it on You-Tube if you don’t believe me. 2006: The US is ranked #16 in the world. That’s pretty good, despite a horrible showing in the World Cup.
But you know what? We weren’t going ANYWHERE in our “group of death” in the World Cup. True US soccer fans knew that. But we tried to look on the bright side. Oh well. Despite all the above achievements, there are some caveats. First, the MLS is absolutely HORRID. Its the place players who aren’t good enough to START on EPL or Serie A teams go when they are old enough to retire but don’t want to yet. Ugh. Second, our overall soccer strategy (particularily evidenced in the last World Cup) needs some work. PASS THE BALL.
This brings me to my next point. True fans of the game look past the lack of scoring. Because more often than not it isn’t the goals themselves that are great to watch, its the slow build-up to them. Tell me you weren’t amazed if or when you watched Italy score 2 AMAZING and beautiful goals in the closing seconds in the semis and break the Germans’ collective backs. Again, watch the clips on You-Tube if you don’t believe me. Too bad even those clips don’t do the plays justice. There is nothing quite like watching a great give and go between a wing back and a midfielder, only to have the wing back play a beautiful cross into the midfield again, and watch as the skilled midfielder burys the shot into the corner or deftly touches it ahead to a running teammate. Its the equivalent to watching the hook and ladder develop in football, or to seeing a perfectly executed in-bounds play, or to watch a baseball team play “small ball” and bunt a runner over from 1st and manufacture the run.
Sure the players dive all the time. But trust me, if in an American sport the opposing team could get a guarenteed 3 touchdowns, or 10 runs, or 30 points by taking a dive, they’d do it. That’s the equivalent in soccer. Because a free kick near the opposing team’s goal (or worse, a penalty kick) is sooo dangerous. Especially if you have a player like Roberto Carlos, Ronaldinho, Zidane, Pirlo, or Beckham on your team. 1 goal in soccer equates to multiple scores in any other american sport. Don’t tell me Barry Bonds wouldn’t go down like a stuck pig if doing so could net him 10 home runs for HIMSELF, not his team. I mean, come on, Ricky Davis would INVENT new ways to dive if it meant it could net him some more stats. And can you imagine your boys Deion, Surtain, or Taylor scoring oodles of touchdowns? They can. And if our referees had the power that soccer referees do (or the rule changes), you bet your butt you’d see “Neon” convulsing on the turf, staring at the side judge to “give him a break.”
And for the record, you call a soccer fast break a “counter-attack.” And boy does it work. When the EPL starts back up again, watch how fast Arsenal explodes into attack as soon as the other team is caught up with too many men in the box trying to score on a free kick or a corner kick. To me, its just as good as a massive “Stick it in your” Pujols home-run, a knee-buckling run by LaDanian Tomlinson, or the veritable posterization of a LeBron dunk.
Wow, this has gotten too long. Good article, but I just HAD to comment because I’ve heard these arguments too many times.